I’ve written part of this story before, so I apologize if some of you may be reading it again.
Back in 2006, I was working for a video game news website. It wasn’t a very strong website so much as it was a job that I felt empowered doing. My writing meant something, and people read it, and I got paid for it.
I learned through that experience that I could earn a living by writing, by honing my craft, and by being the best darned person I could be.
In 2008, I was let go from that job, but they never quite explained to me why I was being let go. I doubted my writing abilities for for nearly four years, only writing blogs instead of looking for paid writing work.
I sunk into a depression so deep that I treat 2008-2012 as horrible years for me professionally, as I hid in Graduate School yet never finished because it wasn’t really what I wanted.
Throughout this time, I wanted to write for Massively so bad. I’d wait for openings, and I’d be too afraid to sign up or I’d try but not get picked, and I’d feel let down… but that feeling of wanting to write for Massively was strong enough to make me keep on writing on a blog. This blog.
In 2012, my friend Cassandra invited me to try pitching (that was a new word to me then) as a writer for MMORPG.com, and I jumped at it. I was afraid of the rejection, but I tried anyway because writing about games meant a lot to me.
I got in, and eventually after getting enough courage to keep trying to find paid writing gigs, I got a chance to write for Rappler.com as a tech reporter, and now as a desk editor as well as writing tech and the gaming piece here and there.
Living out my passions meant a lot to me, and I’m sure that same feeling runs through each staffer of Massively and MMORPG.com in equal measure.
The pay and the comments, however high or low the pay was or however bad or good the comments were, these were reminders that my writing meant something to someone. That my writing mattered. That I mattered.
I’m writing this to say that if it weren’t for the inspiration I got from reading Massively in its early days, I probably would have been a very lost soul today.
I salute the staff of Joystiq and Massively as they go on new endeavors, an unwritten journey that has yet to be chronicled.
-Victor Barreiro Jr.
When I first started playing Guild Wars 2, I was turned off by it. A few years later, and it’s become a game I want to experience by changing how I choose to play it, by being my altoholic self and looking for the character types and professions that best suit me.
I enjoyed the livestream announcing Guild Wars 2: Heart of Thorns, and even more importantly, I don’t feel tied down to Guild Wars 2 in the meantime. I can just enjoy whatever I want to play, and that’s that.
That’s a good place to be. A very liberating place to be, when it comes to enjoying something.
Right now, I’m feeling rather optimistic about 2015 despite a hiccup on my computer that forced me to reinstall windows and thus clear out a lot of game installs.
Perfect time for it, I suppose, since I had too many games installed and not enough time for play due to my job’s needs.
Still, I guess that’s what I’m thankful for:
1. the ability to write, and to do it well.
2. Being given the opportunity to write and do responsible stuff for Rappler.com and MMORPG.com
3. Video games, especially the ones that help me to forget that I overthink things way too much.
I’m pretty sure 2015 will have ups and downs, but if someone could remind me that I wrote this and should consider realigning my thoughts as needed and adding more to this, I’d be most appreciative.
Cheers to all.
I was planning on getting Wildstar to really give it a fair shake.
But I don’t think I can justify spending 60 bucks on something I didn’t enjoy playing because of the UI for the first 15 levels.
I’d have gotten it for 25% off from Greenman Gaming, but it’s not available in my region.
I’ve been told past 15 actually gets better, but I might as well reserve the money for something else or for a sale on Wildstar in the future.
Unless, you know, someone can sway me otherwise?
…you better make sure you test well.
Aside from some textual bugs, and this one thing where I fell out of the sky for no apparent reasons, this game’s actually pretty enjoyable. Probably more so when many people are playing all at once.
I’ve been rather agitated for past few weeks.
I felt angry a lot. I felt like a failure often, regardless of the quality of my work. I felt like I was being constantly ignored by people, either at work or elsewhere. .
I also wanted to drive my car into a wall a couple of times.
Eventually, when I couldn’t handle it anymore, my mom decided for me to have me go talk to my therapist again. I probably should have gone earlier, but either life got in the way before or I was just too stubborn to admit I needed a safe space to discuss things.
I am depressed. Perhaps I should say I am suffering from moderate depression.
Perhaps I should be more accurate by saying that, if my self-report holds true, I’m a few points shy of being severely depressed.
My therapist changed up my meds. I can think a bit more clearly about how I feel, but basically, everything is now one big hunk of meh. I can function, but nothing really strikes me as worth caring about unless it makes me angry.
This also means I have to sort of figure out why I bother to do certain things even if there’s no joy in doing them anymore, like work or even playing games.
As far as I’m able to tell, it’s basically been building up for a while.
I thought dates with someone were going well but that turned out to not be going well. A few months later, I try again, I got a little further, but then she up and changes her mind.
At work, I feel like what I do has purpose, but I also feel like I don’t belong, or that my inputs are useless. I guess I don’t feel valued as a person or as an asset. Even though I still like what I’m doing, I’m finding it difficult to properly speak up for myself or assert myself, because no one really seems to pay attention when I do speak up.
I’m writing this now because I’ve finally got time to think clearly about why I feel so down, and I could say it comes down to (dramatically) feeling less like someone who matters.
So I’m going to do it by saying that I love MMOs, I love gaming, and I love writing.
I have an awesome job I love writing about technology and helping my fellows out at Rappler, and despite being in the company of awesome people at work and online, I sometimes feel like I either hate myself or I feel like I’m missing out by not writing what I want to write.
Instead, I play games or sleep a lot to bridge the gap in between days when I feel sad, like I do now.
I can’t promise a daily blog, but I do believe I’ll be using Games and Geekery as a test bed for some thoughts and ideas that may eventually see print on the day job.
So I just turned 30.
I’ll have more on this in a day or so. For now… Hello!
Purchased a personal Internet line for myself with a different ISP.
Done with elections coverage for Rappler, for the most part, and our intrepid coverage had me going on camera to talk as well as write. That was scary!
Here’s a link to the start of my on-camera career, with Maria Ressa calling on me to speak. Yes, that is #orangeshirtguy in action!
That said, if you’re interested, Rappler actually has the running tallies for the elections, both from the official count and our unofficial Commission on Elections-Rappler Mirror Server count.
Anyway, now that I’m with Safe Shark Hosting and I’m regularized at work, I look forward to writing more soon, aside from work.
I love you guys!
Just for reference… it took this long to make a post not only because of my other duties, but because Sky Broadband, my Internet Service Provider, couldn’t seem to login properly to the blog for me to see the editor in its normal state.
That’s really sucky.