Personal

Blogging about games: But…

final fantasy xiv

It’s funny. I think the only time when I can actually write something on this blog is when the online game I REALLY want to play among the games I have in my stockpile is having maintenance.

Case in point, right now I’m writing because I Elder Scrolls Online has maintenance right now.

Funny thing is, I could be spending this time working some first impressions articles for work, but I really want to just unwind with the game I actually want to play.

I want to blog about games more, and maybe re-earn my monicker as a “games blogger” but instead I’m a tech writer/editor and a games columnist for the two jobs I have.

Funny how that works. I’m still happy and I still get to play games, but sometimes, you sorta miss the days when you weren’t busy. Then again, I’m likely to miss the days when I actually had a job.

Ah well, I’ll enjoy my time, however I find it.

Saying Goodbye to Massively

I’ve written part of this story before, so I apologize if some of you may be reading it again.

Back in 2006, I was working for a video game news website. It wasn’t a very strong website so much as it was a job that I felt empowered doing. My writing meant something, and people read it, and I got paid for it.

I learned through that experience that I could earn a living by writing, by honing my craft, and by being the best darned person I could be.

In 2008, I was let go from that job, but they never quite explained to me why I was being let go. I doubted my writing abilities for for nearly four years, only writing blogs instead of looking for paid writing work.

I sunk into a depression so deep that I treat 2008-2012 as horrible years for me professionally, as I hid in Graduate School yet never finished because it wasn’t really what I wanted.

Throughout this time, I wanted to write for Massively so bad. I’d wait for openings, and I’d be too afraid to sign up or I’d try but not get picked, and I’d feel let down… but that feeling of wanting to write for Massively was strong enough to make me keep on writing on a blog. This blog.

In 2012, my friend Cassandra invited me to try pitching (that was a new word to me then) as a writer for MMORPG.com, and I jumped at it. I was afraid of the rejection, but I tried anyway because writing about games meant a lot to me.

I got in, and eventually after getting enough courage to keep trying to find paid writing gigs, I got a chance to write for Rappler.com as a tech reporter, and now as a desk editor as well as writing tech and the gaming piece here and there.

Living out my passions meant a lot to me, and I’m sure that same feeling runs through each staffer of Massively and MMORPG.com in equal measure.

The pay and the comments, however high or low the pay was or however bad or good the comments were, these were reminders that my writing meant something to someone. That my writing mattered. That I mattered.

I’m writing this to say that if it weren’t for the inspiration I got from reading Massively in its early days, I probably would have been a very lost soul today.

I salute the staff of Joystiq and Massively as they go on new endeavors, an unwritten journey that has yet to be chronicled.

-Victor Barreiro Jr.

Will 2015 be a good year? I hope so!

victor-barreiro-rappler-20130415

Right now, I’m feeling rather optimistic about 2015 despite a hiccup on my computer that forced me to reinstall windows and thus clear out a lot of game installs.

Perfect time for it, I suppose, since I had too many games installed and not enough time for play due to my job’s needs.

Still, I guess that’s what I’m thankful for:

1. the ability to write, and to do it well.

2. Being given the opportunity to write and do responsible stuff for Rappler.com and MMORPG.com

3. Video games, especially the ones that help me to forget that I overthink things way too much.

I’m pretty sure 2015 will have ups and downs, but if someone could remind me that I wrote this and should consider realigning my thoughts as needed and adding more to this, I’d be most appreciative.

Cheers to all. 🙂

Depression: One big hunk of ‘Meh’

I’ve been rather agitated for past few weeks.

I felt angry a lot. I felt like a failure often, regardless of the quality of my work. I felt like I was being constantly ignored by people, either at work or elsewhere. .

I also wanted to drive my car into a wall a couple of times.

Eventually, when I couldn’t handle it anymore, my mom decided for me to have me go talk to my therapist again. I probably should have gone earlier, but either life got in the way before or I was just too stubborn to admit I needed a safe space to discuss things.

I am depressed. Perhaps I should say I am suffering from moderate depression.

Perhaps I should be more accurate by saying that, if my self-report holds true, I’m a few points shy of being severely depressed.

My therapist changed up my meds. I can think a bit more clearly about how I feel, but basically, everything is now one big hunk of meh. I can function, but nothing really strikes me as worth caring about unless it makes me angry.

This also means I have to sort of figure out why I bother to do certain things even if there’s no joy in doing them anymore, like work or even playing games.

As far as I’m able to tell, it’s basically been building up for a while.

I thought dates with someone were going well but that turned out to not be going well. A few months later, I try again, I got a little further, but then she up and changes her mind.

At work, I feel like what I do has purpose, but I also feel like I don’t belong, or that my inputs are useless. I guess I don’t feel valued as a person or as an asset. Even though I still like what I’m doing, I’m finding it difficult to properly speak up for myself or assert myself, because no one really seems to pay attention when I do speak up.

I’m writing this now because I’ve finally got time to think clearly about why I feel so down, and I could say it comes down to (dramatically) feeling less like someone who matters.

Restarting this contraption

victor-barreiro-rappler-20130415

So I’m going to do it by saying that I love MMOs, I love gaming, and I love writing.

I have an awesome job I love writing about technology and helping my fellows out at Rappler, and despite being in the company of awesome people at work and online, I sometimes feel like I either hate myself or I feel like I’m missing out by not writing what I want to write.

Instead, I play games or sleep a lot to bridge the gap in between days when I feel sad, like I do now.

I can’t promise a daily blog, but I do believe I’ll be using Games and Geekery as a test bed for some thoughts and ideas that may eventually see print on the day job.

-Victor

Shelled out a small fortune in money, time, and self-esteem

A picture of me talking on Rappler's #PHVote coverage, Screen shot from Rappler's YouTube
A picture of me talking on Rappler’s #PHVote coverage, Screen shot from Rappler’s YouTube

Purchased a personal Internet line for myself with a different ISP.

Done with elections coverage for Rappler, for the most part, and our intrepid coverage had me going on camera to talk as well as write. That was scary!

Here’s a link to the start of my on-camera career, with Maria Ressa calling on me to speak. Yes, that is #orangeshirtguy in action!

That said, if you’re interested, Rappler actually has the running tallies for the elections, both from the official count and our unofficial Commission on Elections-Rappler Mirror Server count.

Anyway, now that I’m with Safe Shark Hosting and I’m regularized at work, I look forward to writing more soon, aside from work.

I love you guys!

-Victor

Missing Games and Geekery

Boy, am I rusty.

I have not had a good update on Games and Geekery in a few months, so here are some updates on my end.

The first update is a job-related one. In addition to my work for MMORPG.com as a columnist, I’m also a news writer for a Rappler.com. I do mostly tech news, which is nice. I hope to one day branch out though, if they keep me on after my probationary period.

With regard to gaming, I’m trying to strike a balance with work, play, and other leisure activities. If I can fit some exercise in there, that’d be excellent.

As for the blog… well, Games and Geekery is not going away, and I should focus on improving my home base, so to speak. I will slowly work on adding more content and redoing the blogroll as a separate page over the weekend.

I’ve also updated my blog guidelines to reflect the potential for ad-based guest posts on the site, primarily to pay for hosting. As such, these should be few and far between.

More than anything else, I love writing. I cherish knowing my words mean something, and I hope to continue doing that no matter what happens.

 

*hugs everyone on the Internet*

-Victor